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Thomas Winterbottom Hance

Thomas Winterbottom Hance

IN all the towns and cities fair

On Merry England's broad expanse,

No swordsman ever could compare

With THOMAS WINTERBOTTOM HANCE.

The dauntless lad could fairly hew

A silken handkerchief in twain,

Divide a leg of mutton too -

And this without unwholesome strain.

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by William Schwenck Gilbert

Baines Carew, Gentleman

Baines Carew, Gentleman

OF all the good attorneys who

Have placed their names upon the roll,

But few could equal BAINES CAREW

For tender-heartedness and soul.

Whene'er he heard a tale of woe

From client A or client B,

His grief would overcome him so

He'd scarce have strength to take his fee.

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by William Schwenck Gilbert

Braid the Raven Hair

Braid the Raven Hair

Braid the raven hair,

Weave the supple tress,

Deck the maiden fair

In her loveliness;

Paint the pretty face,

Dye the coral lip,

Emphasise the grace

Of her ladyship!

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by William Schwenck Gilbert

The Heavy Dragoon

The Heavy Dragoon

If you want a receipt for that popular mystery,

Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon,

Take all the remarkable people in history,

Rattle them off to a popular tune!

The pluck of LORD NELSON on board of the VICTORY -

Genius of BISMARCK devising a plan;

The humour of FIELDING (which sounds contradictory) -

Coolness of PAGET about to trepan -

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by William Schwenck Gilbert

Trial by Jury

Trial by Jury

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

THE LEARNED JUDGE

THE PLAINTIFF

THE DEFENDANT

COUNSEL FOR THE PLAINTIFF

USHER

FOREMAN OF THE JURY

ASSOCIATE

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by William Schwenck Gilbert

Ellen McJones Aberdeen

Ellen McJones Aberdeen

MACPHAIRSON CLONGLOCKETTY ANGUS McCLAN

Was the son of an elderly labouring man;

You've guessed him a Scotchman, shrewd reader, at sight,

And p'r'aps altogether, shrewd reader, you're right.

From the bonnie blue Forth to the lovely Deeside,

Round by Dingwall and Wrath to the mouth of the Clyde,

There wasn't a child or a woman or man

Who could pipe with CLONGLOCKETTY ANGUS McCLAN.

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by William Schwenck Gilbert

An Unfortunate Likeness

An Unfortunate Likeness

I'VE painted SHAKESPEARE all my life -

"An infant" (even then at "play"!)

"A boy," with stage-ambition rife,

Then "Married to ANN HATHAWAY."

"The bard's first ticket night" (or "ben."),

His "First appearance on the stage,"

His "Call before the curtain" - then

"Rejoicings when he came of age."

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by William Schwenck Gilbert

Thespis: Act I

Thespis: Act I

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

GODS

Jupiter, Aged Diety

Apollo, Aged Diety

Mars, Aged Diety

Diana, Aged Diety

Mercury

THESPIANS

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by William Schwenck Gilbert

A Worm Will Turn

A Worm Will Turn

I love a man who'll smile and joke

When with misfortune crowned;

Who'll pun beneath a pauper's yoke,

And as he breaks his daily toke,

Conundrums gay propound.

Just such a man was Bernaqrd Jupp

He scoffed at Fortune's frown;

He gaily drained his bitter cup -

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by William Schwenck Gilbert

A Mirage

A Mirage

Were I thy bride,

Then the whole world beside

Were not too wide

To hold my wealth of love -

Were I thy bride!

Upon thy breast

My loving head would rest,

As on her nest

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by William Schwenck Gilbert

A Recipe

A Recipe

Take a pair of sparkling eyes,

Hidden, ever and anon,

In a merciful eclipse -

Do not heed their mild surprise -

Having passed the Rubicon.

Take a pair of rosy lips;

Take a figure trimly planned -

Such as admiration whets

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by William Schwenck Gilbert

A Discontented Sugar Broker

A Discontented Sugar Broker

A gentleman of City fame

Now claims your kind attention;

East India broking was his game,

His name I shall not mention:

No one of finely-pointed sense

Would violate a confidence,

And shall I go

And do it? No!

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by William Schwenck Gilbert